I do know this...they say a crazy woman has no idea she's crazy!

To start this story (and it's a long one--do you have your coffee?  Boss in a meeting and not going to walk by in 5 minutes?)   I'm going to refer you to a post I found from March of 2009.  This was still in Rhode Island, or three states back.  We knew were going to California, and evidently I had been investigating kindergarten and elementary school options.  This was pre Sensory Processing Disorder, OCD, and severe anxiety diagnosis, but yes, back then we all knew something wasn't quite clicking with this child.

When I read my husband this post last night, he thought it had happened yesterday.  We could hardly believe how little has changed.  And before you get right down to judging me and thinking that it's all a matter of parenting, let me remind you that I have two children---the second child has maybe reduced me to tears three or four times in his 54 months of life, and most of that was because of lack of sleep.  For the most part, he doesn't say horrible things to me, he shows gratitude, good manners, and is pretty good at cooperating.  And these two children have the same mom....so it can't all be me.

I haven't discussed the effect of the move on the children much here.  I'd been waiting, and besides, if I didn't talk about it, it couldn't be all that bad, right?  This was Colin's 4th move in 4 years of age, but the first he can really recall.  It has been very hard on him.  His vocabulary has regressed to saying things like "Me want Mommy" when before this was a kid who would say "Well, that is inconvenient."  He has reverted to a terrible twos stage, when he never really went through much of one to begin with.  He has been getting up every morning since June 2 at 5:45, occasionally sleeping til 6:15.  Please don't tell me he's still getting used to the time change--it's been 66 nights.  So he's chronically tired, whiny, and his behavior is not what we're used to seeing.

Olivia has just been herself.  Getting back into occupational therapy in June helped, but her therapist recently changed, and that was a tough adjustment.  And of course, there was the being without our things for much longer than the husband and I ever anticipated.

Despite my feelings about being here, I really only share it with you, my husband, and in whispered conversations on the phone---I do not want to add negativity to the house.  But since I'm the mom, inevitably I guess it shows through, no matter how hard I try.  This was a note the babysitter helped them write two weeks ago.

So, back in the early part of the year, we knew we were coming to Hawaii and began researching where to live and what school options there were.  I'm not going to badmouth the base housing here or the schools because we have friends living on base and using the base schools, and we have friends using the public schools locally, and it's working out great for them.  I will just say that living on base wasn't for us, and the public schools in this state aren't for us.  I'm glad for our friends that it works for them, but since we're only here 2 years, we made different choices.

We decided to homeschool Olivia for 1st and perhaps 2nd grade (after we saw how it went).  And then everything fell apart--the homeschool curriculum shipped with our household goods, so we weren't able to start school when I had hoped to begin.  Colin turned into a different little boy.  And Liv's negativity and extra special care began to be more than I could cope with as a care giver.  Not to mention, she resists leaving the house to such an extent that any errand I have to make requires me to carry her kicking and screaming to the car.  (And you know, I wish I could wait til the weekends to run errands, but sometimes you just can't---and by the time my husband gets home, it's nearly my bedtime, and the last thing I want to do is drag off into the dark to a store.)

I'd like to insert here that I know people refer her to her as special needs.  I resist that term because I feel like it belittles the children who truly are special needs.  Yes, she requires extra care, and I have trouble accepting that label.  A child with physical limitations, a child who has autism and doesn't speak, a child who can't hear---those are special needs, and those parents deal with more every single hour than I can even begin to imagine!  But, truthfully, she is NOT like most of the other kids in 1st grade, and she does require more attention.

We began homeschool three weeks ago.  I had chosen a particular curriculum because it provided a flexible schedule of 2-3 hours worth of core schoolwork per day, which we could then add to and insert breaks for lunch, playdates, playground time, etc.  The problem is that my children were finishing in 45 minutes.  And then how do I fill the rest of the day?  I took them outside this afternoon for a painting project--I truly believed this could easily take an hour once they got into it.  Twenty minutes later, they were finished.  And I spent twenty minutes getting the paint cleaned up so they wouldn't track it inside.

I had joined a military homeschool group hoping to meet up with children the same age, and due to the summertime and lack of organized activity, that just didn't happen.  I enrolled Liv in a homeschool gymnastics class, hoping to meet another 1st grade girl...but the moms are not very.....open?  responsive?  welcoming?  We have lacked for 6 year old and 4 year old playmates, and I didn't expect that to be the case for so long.

But here is the truth---
I AM a type A, high anxiety mom, and no matter how much progress I make, during a stressful situation (i.e. a move like this one and 11 weeks with scarcely any time away from my children), I become a basketcase.  I have made choices that ended up burning myself out over the last 11 weeks until I can barely go anymore.

I WISH I was a duck duck goose lover, a CandyLand partner who could play for 4 hours straight, a mom who can laugh about the paint in her child's hair, a mom who doesn't care about sunbutter finger prints on the wall, and a mom who can never get enough cuddling and kissing and absolute delight in her children.

I would like to get a hug and feel completely replenished by my child's love, enough to make up for being called the most horrible mommy in the world, enough to make up for seeing her throw away the chocolate chip pancake I made from scratch after she asked for it, enough to just smile when she changes clothes for the 4th time because "those pants don't feel right!", and enough to make up for having to carry her kicking and screaming to the car to run an errand.  After a day of 14-15 hours of nonstop care for them, I would love to feel replenished and rested and renewed enough to do it all again the next day instead of crawling into a corner and crying.  And worse yet, have my daughter find me crying in the corner.

I am not that mom.  I do have other positive qualities--I know I do!  I just can't name them right now!!!  As much as I'd like to change it, it's not going to happen without heavier drinking, medication, and perhaps some drug use.  None of which I'm willing to engage in.  Not yet, anyway.  And having my children find me crying over and over again is not healthy for them or me.

I could have done many things differently this summer, and had we not moved, I think homeschool could have been accomplished with the support and friends we had in California.  This past Monday, we applied and completed academic testing for Liv to enroll in a private school a mile from our house.  We looked at a few other private schools, but none of them were adaptable enough for her.  They are academically stimulating with great extracurricular activities, knit uniform options just right for an SPD kid, and open to her occupational therapist coming during school hours.  They also cost more than my entire Master's degree.

We are now waiting to hear if she gets in (school begins on the 24th).  Colin has also been enrolled in a three day a week pre-K program similar to what he did in California.  We may only enroll him for a few months until he gets back to his old self.  Next year, I think it's likely that he might be able to go to the public kindergarten down the street.  If she doesn't get into the private school, we'll be back to homeschooling with the help of some outside tutors, and we'll work hard during Colin's school hours.   Honestly, if we still end up working with her at home this year, I will make giving myself more breaks a high priority through sitters and overnight stays in a nice hotel every few months.

My confession...I feel like a failure.  I feel worthless.  I feel like I'm not a good military wife who can handle all this instability.  I am let down that I couldn't do what I set out to do with all my pre-planning, despite the unforeseen setbacks we have had this summer.  I am sorry that I'm not more like the mom I think my children need, and the wife my husband deserves.  I know it's not rational, but that's the truth.